Drum Roll Please...

Nada...

I know nothing and I've got nothing for you. Annoying on so many levels. Geneva has everything they need to complete my application packet but one reference. Until that gets sent in, I'm left wondering.

But now my wonderings are more concerned with whether or not I should go. The idea of leaving Anderson (the city, not the school) gets harder with every passing day. I have felt home here in a way that I haven't felt other places. Maybe it's just because this was the first place I really struck out on my own, but for whatever reason (and there are MANY I won't go into here), the idea of leaving tears me up inside.

My mom says that it is supposed to hurt because that means the place and the people made an impact on me and that just maybe I made an impact on them. I agree with that, and I feel that is as it should be as it means that I truly lived life here.

But how many times do I continue to pick up and leave? When do I make the decision to stay somewhere and put down roots and invest my self in the people around for the long haul? When does that happen?

If I had my choice, school might not be my first one right now. But it is my only option. I feel that what I am doing at the moment is the task that God has placed before me. However, I think that if I am to continue in this line of work, I need to further my education. The idea of doing school in the classroom is inviting, but is the cost going to be worth it in the end?
Whether or not I get the grad assistantship I want is really going to be a big part of the decision making. So I WILL move if they have the assistantship that I want. If they don't, I will stay here and do the summer track program (attending class for a couple weeks in the summer and doing the course work during the year).

But even then, do I really want that assistanship anymore? Is that really what I want to be doing in student affairs? I am so confused at the moment.

So as I can't do anything else, I am trying to take what ever education I can from this experience. So the drum roll really goes to that lesson...trust and faith. I have to trust in God's plan for my life. It is so much greater than even I can imagine. I have to have faith that God's will for us is perfect, even if we don't understand it. I have to sacrifice my wants and desires on His alter, knowing He will give me back so much more than I give Him.

But it's a constant battle everyday. As humans we aren't willing to sacrifice. It isn't how we are naturally wired. I want what I want when I want it. But reality is that I don't know what I want or what's best for me. I just have to pray without ceasing that He will give me the strength and courage to sacrifice my wants and desires to Him daily.

Oh Father please help me, I let it go to you...