Drum Roll Please...

Nada...

I know nothing and I've got nothing for you. Annoying on so many levels. Geneva has everything they need to complete my application packet but one reference. Until that gets sent in, I'm left wondering.

But now my wonderings are more concerned with whether or not I should go. The idea of leaving Anderson (the city, not the school) gets harder with every passing day. I have felt home here in a way that I haven't felt other places. Maybe it's just because this was the first place I really struck out on my own, but for whatever reason (and there are MANY I won't go into here), the idea of leaving tears me up inside.

My mom says that it is supposed to hurt because that means the place and the people made an impact on me and that just maybe I made an impact on them. I agree with that, and I feel that is as it should be as it means that I truly lived life here.

But how many times do I continue to pick up and leave? When do I make the decision to stay somewhere and put down roots and invest my self in the people around for the long haul? When does that happen?

If I had my choice, school might not be my first one right now. But it is my only option. I feel that what I am doing at the moment is the task that God has placed before me. However, I think that if I am to continue in this line of work, I need to further my education. The idea of doing school in the classroom is inviting, but is the cost going to be worth it in the end?
Whether or not I get the grad assistantship I want is really going to be a big part of the decision making. So I WILL move if they have the assistantship that I want. If they don't, I will stay here and do the summer track program (attending class for a couple weeks in the summer and doing the course work during the year).

But even then, do I really want that assistanship anymore? Is that really what I want to be doing in student affairs? I am so confused at the moment.

So as I can't do anything else, I am trying to take what ever education I can from this experience. So the drum roll really goes to that lesson...trust and faith. I have to trust in God's plan for my life. It is so much greater than even I can imagine. I have to have faith that God's will for us is perfect, even if we don't understand it. I have to sacrifice my wants and desires on His alter, knowing He will give me back so much more than I give Him.

But it's a constant battle everyday. As humans we aren't willing to sacrifice. It isn't how we are naturally wired. I want what I want when I want it. But reality is that I don't know what I want or what's best for me. I just have to pray without ceasing that He will give me the strength and courage to sacrifice my wants and desires to Him daily.

Oh Father please help me, I let it go to you...

3 Months to the day...

Oh how time has flown in the 3 months since I last wrote. It seems incredible to think that 3 months ago I came to the decision not to take the job offer in Germany and to stay in Anderson for another year. I had begun to think of Anderson as my home and invisioned my self here for quite some time. Oh how the time has flown by...

As I sit here now, I find myself at the beginning of another journey. One that seems a bit more real, and definetly more practical than Germany did. After Christmas vacation, upon my return to Anderson University, I found myself questioning how long my sorjurn in Anderson would be. I knew that I wanted to continue my education, but knew the online route was NOT an option (I finished one semester at Regent and withdrew as I HATED the format with a passion.)

I seriously contemplated returning to California for a time. Then, though I'm sure he was unaware of it, a good friend talked me out of it as he described what he loved about LA. It made me remember how much I did not enjoy all of those things. I contemplated staying here and attending Clemson University. I would still be able to retain my job, while studying in a classroom with real live human beings. But the more I thought and prayed about it, the more I felt that option A and option B weren't for me.

So I took a drive, as I often do when I want to clear my head. It was on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, just what the doctor ordered. I asked God if there could be a plan C. If there was, what would it look like it? And by what I feel could only truly be divine inspiration, the name of Geneva College popped into my head.

I headed home and spent the next two hours researching Genvea on line. I had heard of the school while I was still in my undergrad so the name was familiar, however, I really never thought twice about it. As I purused the website, I was very impressed by their mission and doctrinal statement. Their idea of higher education and what it should look like are right in step with what I believe in. It is also a Reformed school, which I took to be a sign, though I don't put much stock in those...

I followed this search with a long conversation on the phone with my mom who encouraged me to pursue a degree from Geneva. So after much prayer and deliberation, I applied. The school has a rolling admissions process, so as soon as all of the pieces are in, I will know whether or not I am accepted. I am in prayer for that process almost daily.

The biggest part of this decision came with the fact that I will have to move to Beaver Falls, PA. to attend Geneva. Moving. Again. Not a thought I relished at the time. My move here was less than smooth and the thought of moving again terrified me. I would also be leaving a place that truly feels like home. This is the first place I have lived as an adult post undergrad. This is my first job. I have a church community that I love, and friends who I feel are irreplacable. Why would I want to give all of that up for the unknown?

The only reason I can come up with? Because He wants me to, and when I'm honest about it, it's what I want too. I long to go back to school. I also want the chance to gain experience in something other than ResLife. There are oppurtunities for assitanships at Geneva that would help pay for tution and give me a monthly stipend while providing practical education.

Deep down inside, my heart also craves adventure. The kind I haven't allowed myself to think about in the last year, as the prospect was too unsettling. I just wanted to be safe. Now I don't nessicarly want to throw caution to the wind, but I definetly want the wind to ruffle my hair abit! I want to push myself. I don't want to allow myself to be comfortable. I want to learn to truly trust in God and the providence He has in my life. I want to fully rely on Him, not myself and the comfort I am in now.

I am so excited about the prospect. For the very few people who even look at this I ask that you would join me in prayer for this decision. It would mean alot to me. Also please let me know how I can be praying for you.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11