I"m so excited, and I just can't hide it!

Ok. Well maybe I'm not quite THAT excited, but the Lord has definetly answered my prayer to make His will mine. In the last week I have felt a divinely inspired joy fill my heart for this new step in my life. Though I know I will very much miss South Carolina, I have a peace that my time here is coming to an end and that it is time to move on.

I have applied for three assistantships at Geneva. One as a Female Resident Director (basically what I'm doing now). One as the Female Graduate Assistant to the Campus Ministries office; I would be working with the Women's Ministry on campus. The third is as the Graduate assistant to the Crossroads Program which roughly translated is the Geneva Study Abroad Office. I already have a phone interview with the Crossroads Program, tomorrow (April 3rd). Please pray for that process. I have heard from the Campus Ministries office saying they got my resume and cover letter. However, I have yet to hear from the Residence Life office. If I don't hear from them by tomorrow, I am going to shoot them an e-mail, just to make sure that they got the information.

The big question now is, where am I going to live, and how much money am I going to have to live on? All of the assistantships come with a stipend and a tuition reduction. The Residence Life one has the best deal with FREE tuition and $10,000 a year. The other two are just a third tuition reduction and a undisclosed stipend. So I'm just praying for patience as I wait to figure out exactly what my year will look like!

In other news, I had the distinct pleasure of traveling to California two weeks ago to attend my best friend's wedding! It was a whirlwind trip, but well worth every minute!! I'm so glad that I got to be there for her special day! A picture from the event is up top!

The verdict is in...

I'm going to grad school. Got my letter on Monday. Working on cover letters for assistantships at the moment...but...

Shouldn't I be more excited? I think so. And I feel horrible that I'm not. I'm in constent prayer for my attitude.

Father please help me sacrifice my will for yours!!

Drum Roll Please...

Nada...

I know nothing and I've got nothing for you. Annoying on so many levels. Geneva has everything they need to complete my application packet but one reference. Until that gets sent in, I'm left wondering.

But now my wonderings are more concerned with whether or not I should go. The idea of leaving Anderson (the city, not the school) gets harder with every passing day. I have felt home here in a way that I haven't felt other places. Maybe it's just because this was the first place I really struck out on my own, but for whatever reason (and there are MANY I won't go into here), the idea of leaving tears me up inside.

My mom says that it is supposed to hurt because that means the place and the people made an impact on me and that just maybe I made an impact on them. I agree with that, and I feel that is as it should be as it means that I truly lived life here.

But how many times do I continue to pick up and leave? When do I make the decision to stay somewhere and put down roots and invest my self in the people around for the long haul? When does that happen?

If I had my choice, school might not be my first one right now. But it is my only option. I feel that what I am doing at the moment is the task that God has placed before me. However, I think that if I am to continue in this line of work, I need to further my education. The idea of doing school in the classroom is inviting, but is the cost going to be worth it in the end?
Whether or not I get the grad assistantship I want is really going to be a big part of the decision making. So I WILL move if they have the assistantship that I want. If they don't, I will stay here and do the summer track program (attending class for a couple weeks in the summer and doing the course work during the year).

But even then, do I really want that assistanship anymore? Is that really what I want to be doing in student affairs? I am so confused at the moment.

So as I can't do anything else, I am trying to take what ever education I can from this experience. So the drum roll really goes to that lesson...trust and faith. I have to trust in God's plan for my life. It is so much greater than even I can imagine. I have to have faith that God's will for us is perfect, even if we don't understand it. I have to sacrifice my wants and desires on His alter, knowing He will give me back so much more than I give Him.

But it's a constant battle everyday. As humans we aren't willing to sacrifice. It isn't how we are naturally wired. I want what I want when I want it. But reality is that I don't know what I want or what's best for me. I just have to pray without ceasing that He will give me the strength and courage to sacrifice my wants and desires to Him daily.

Oh Father please help me, I let it go to you...

3 Months to the day...

Oh how time has flown in the 3 months since I last wrote. It seems incredible to think that 3 months ago I came to the decision not to take the job offer in Germany and to stay in Anderson for another year. I had begun to think of Anderson as my home and invisioned my self here for quite some time. Oh how the time has flown by...

As I sit here now, I find myself at the beginning of another journey. One that seems a bit more real, and definetly more practical than Germany did. After Christmas vacation, upon my return to Anderson University, I found myself questioning how long my sorjurn in Anderson would be. I knew that I wanted to continue my education, but knew the online route was NOT an option (I finished one semester at Regent and withdrew as I HATED the format with a passion.)

I seriously contemplated returning to California for a time. Then, though I'm sure he was unaware of it, a good friend talked me out of it as he described what he loved about LA. It made me remember how much I did not enjoy all of those things. I contemplated staying here and attending Clemson University. I would still be able to retain my job, while studying in a classroom with real live human beings. But the more I thought and prayed about it, the more I felt that option A and option B weren't for me.

So I took a drive, as I often do when I want to clear my head. It was on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, just what the doctor ordered. I asked God if there could be a plan C. If there was, what would it look like it? And by what I feel could only truly be divine inspiration, the name of Geneva College popped into my head.

I headed home and spent the next two hours researching Genvea on line. I had heard of the school while I was still in my undergrad so the name was familiar, however, I really never thought twice about it. As I purused the website, I was very impressed by their mission and doctrinal statement. Their idea of higher education and what it should look like are right in step with what I believe in. It is also a Reformed school, which I took to be a sign, though I don't put much stock in those...

I followed this search with a long conversation on the phone with my mom who encouraged me to pursue a degree from Geneva. So after much prayer and deliberation, I applied. The school has a rolling admissions process, so as soon as all of the pieces are in, I will know whether or not I am accepted. I am in prayer for that process almost daily.

The biggest part of this decision came with the fact that I will have to move to Beaver Falls, PA. to attend Geneva. Moving. Again. Not a thought I relished at the time. My move here was less than smooth and the thought of moving again terrified me. I would also be leaving a place that truly feels like home. This is the first place I have lived as an adult post undergrad. This is my first job. I have a church community that I love, and friends who I feel are irreplacable. Why would I want to give all of that up for the unknown?

The only reason I can come up with? Because He wants me to, and when I'm honest about it, it's what I want too. I long to go back to school. I also want the chance to gain experience in something other than ResLife. There are oppurtunities for assitanships at Geneva that would help pay for tution and give me a monthly stipend while providing practical education.

Deep down inside, my heart also craves adventure. The kind I haven't allowed myself to think about in the last year, as the prospect was too unsettling. I just wanted to be safe. Now I don't nessicarly want to throw caution to the wind, but I definetly want the wind to ruffle my hair abit! I want to push myself. I don't want to allow myself to be comfortable. I want to learn to truly trust in God and the providence He has in my life. I want to fully rely on Him, not myself and the comfort I am in now.

I am so excited about the prospect. For the very few people who even look at this I ask that you would join me in prayer for this decision. It would mean alot to me. Also please let me know how I can be praying for you.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

I guess comfort is in order...for now...

So it is official. I have decided after much prayer and discussion with APU that I will not be taking the position in Germany next year. Though this would be an ideal for me to live aboard, and Germany is a place I have always wanted to go back to, I don't think that this is opportunity for me.
When I asked for a job description from APU this is what I got,"You will have time to take a class at the University or work at the local K-Mart". Yup. That's what he said. So I added it up in my head and I felt that not only would I be lonely as the only staff person there, I would be bored which would eventually equal depressed. And also it seemed like a step backward professionally for me.
So I am moving on from there. Where to? I'm not sure. I've been doing a lot of thinking on the future recently, and the more I think about it, the more muddy it seems to become. Because of this I am learning that I just need to really be in what God has given me today. He hasn't promised me tomorrow or next year. So I need to do the best with what he's given me today, and do all I can to bring glory to his name. Lofty goal to be sure, but very hard for us sinners. But I keep praying that with each day God, in his grace, will choose to use me in whatever way he sees fit.
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

Don't get too comfortable...

No sooner do I write a post about how I finally feel at home, then I get a call that could potentially change all of that very quickly.

Last week I got a call from APU offering me a position in their new Study Abroad program in Germany for their School of Music students! I would essentially be doing the same thing I am now, being a Residence Director, but it would just happen to be in another country across a really big ocean.

At first glance this seems like the oppurtunity of a life time. What better time than now to move to an forgien country and live in a beautiful city and get paid for it? There probably isn't one. And then there is the fact that I've been wanting to go back to Germany for sometime now and experience it as an adult, since I left right after I finished the 4th grade. I will also get experience with international higher education, which is a field I would like to spread into the farther I get into my career. Hiedelberg is home to one of the world's oldest universities, and I'm sure there are a wealth of things I could learn from that as well. I would be able to travel to other countries in Europe while living in Germany. That would be so much easier and cheaper than trying to go back later in life for a vacation. And the list goes on.

However there are many pros to staying were I am currently. I have a great job, and the possibility for advancement into another position in the coming year. I have begun to establish myself here. I have a great church that I feel privileged to be apart of. I have been able to play alot here and have established myself as a good musician in the area. I have made good friends and that is saying something as it took ahwhile for that to happen. I love the area here. There are many good reasons to stay.

However the choice is not up to me. I am pryaing so fervently that God's will would be done in this situation. I want to follow His leading, but I feel so often that gets confused with our own desires. I would covet your prayers during this time as I have 3 weeks from today to make a decision. Needless to say, I am a little over whelmed. This is a big decision and I don't want to step into this lightly. I welcome any questions or comments you might have as this might help me in my decision making process.

I love you all and hope that this finds you enjoying the start of a the fall season!

Finally Home

Hello Friends and Family,

It has been awhile since I last wrote on here. Life has moved pretty darn quickly the last month. I can't believe that we are a week and a half away from October! Before you know it, it will be Christmas and then we'll be ringing in the New Year.

As I think about time flying by, I realize that I feel like I'm finally home. Time is whizzing by me because I'm not constantly looking behind me longing for other days. I'm also not looking ahead, longing for my future in another place. I am right here, in the everyday, trying to soak in every minute of it.

And I am, and in the process seeing the days fly by very quickly. I feel so blessed that God has seen fit to grant me so many blessings that I am so completely far from deserving. 6 months ago I was in the worst place of my life, not knowing how I could possibly make it through another year of my job. But here I am living life and loving it. I have been blessed with an amazing family of friends here, both inside and outside of school. I have been blessed by a terrific church and the blessing of the fellowship there. I have been blessed by my staff in how hard they work and how much they love on my everyday. I have been blessed by gracious professors who are allowing me to fix my mistakes. I have so much that I don't deserve.

Still at times I am discontent. But I think that is the way of life for a believer in Christ knowing that this world is not our home and so we long for something more. Also I still struggle with past pain and trying to understand myself in light of my circumstances. But I have no reason to fear or be sad as I know that no matter what, God holds me in his hand and even when I feel lost, he knows exactly where I am. He is truly the lover of my soul, though I don't deserve such a precious gift.

So I will strive to continue to live well in this life I've been giving and continually thank God for his blessings. I will stumble and fall, but I pray for the grace of God to help me get back up and lean on the only one who can get me through until I am Finally Home.

Amen